I had lunch the other day with another pastor in our community.
While we had met before, this was our first time to have an extended conversation.
It was both refreshing and encouraging to spend that time together and to make a genuine connection.
As this pastor and I talked, we both lamented the recent number of high profile pastors here in the DFW area who have recently stepped down from their churches for various indescretions and sinful actions that have brought their leadership under question.
To be clear, we weren't talking about any of these pastors and situations in a derogatory manner. There were no jokes. There were no judmental, snide remarks.
There was an awareness that the likelihood is that these pastors, as well as so many other pastors, never thought they would be caught up in what they are caught up in.
There's also an awareness that any pastor and ministry leader is susceptible to be caught up in what they are caught up in, if they lack the infrastructure of having other know the intimate details of their lives.
Many of us who are pastors spend a great deal of time around people.
As pastors, we spend a lot of time getting to know people, developing people, and investing in people.
While our goal is to see the people that we are leading become a church family and develop as a church, that doesn't mean that these are always the same people that we share the details of our lives.
As a pastor, developing and maintaining friendships with people that you are leading can be somewhat difficult to navigate.
Sometimes the friendships with the people that we are trying to pastor can become blurry. There is often tension concerning what “hat” to wear and when to wear it.
It can be difficult to know when it's time to speak someone as a friend, as a co-worker, boss, or pastor.
It can also be difficult to know when someone is speaking to us out of genuine concern or whether it is for a personal agenda.
In response to the complexities that often accompany the relationships of the people that we are attempting to develop and grow, many of us who are pastors and ministry leaders can have a tendency to alienate ourselves and to isolate ourselves.
Too many times, we may view other pastors as the competition. It's possible that we see in other pastors the strengths that we wish that we had or we envy the successes that they've accomplished.
Yet, every pastor and ministry leader needs genuine friendships.
Every pastor needs someone that can speak into them and every pastor needs to be able to speak to someone else.
This doesn’t mean that pastors have deep friendships with absolutely everyone.
We do have to be selective and guarded about the friends with whom we confide and trust.
Here are three essential characteristics for the friendships that every pastor and ministry leader needs.
1. Authenticity
Every pastor and ministry leader needs a friend that allows them to be absolutely transparent. This is a friendship without agendas or expectations. Most likely, this is a person that we aren't personally leading, but does value our leadership. Having a friendship that centers on authenticity allows us to say things or share things without worrying about what we want to say or worrying about how what we say will be received. There is a trust and a relationship that goes beyond the conversation.
2. Accountability
Every pastor and ministry leader needs a friend that will keep them accountable. As much as we need to be able to say and share whatever is going on in our minds and hearts, we need friendships that allow for people to speak into our lives and situations as well. We need a deep friendship that allows for a person to know our heart, our goals, and our desires. But, we also need for that same friendship to be able to speak into our lives. We need a deep friendship that allows us for us to hear what we don't necessarily want to hear. We need a deep friendship that allows for someone to see us accurately when we don't see ourselves accurately.
I've personally been blessed to have a couple of very close friends who have confronted me about my heart, attitude, and behavior. These have been some of the most uncomfortable conversations in my entire life. But, they are also the friendships and conversations that I have come to value most.
3. Approachability
Every pastor and ministry leader needs a friend that allows for approachability. This means that there's a friend that can approach us at any time and in any situation.
But, it also means that we can approach them at any time and in any situation. This is a friendship that isn't based upon convenience or our mood.
Most of us who are pastors know how to keep people at arm’s length when we want to do so. We know how to withdraw. We know how to retreat.
The idea of having someone who is there for us “if you need me” isn't a deep enough friendship for most of us.
We need the friend who shows us up unannounced.
We need the friend who doesn’t have to ask.
We need the friend we can call at 2:00 am.
These types of friendships may seem impossible to find or too good to be true. But, these type of friendships are a necessity.
These friendships will enhance our ability to lead others. This type of friendship will increase our capacity as a pastor and ministry leader.
By having deep friendships that provide opportunities for us to be authentic, accountable, and approachable, pastors are less likely to have tension and friction with the people that we are trying to lead and love.
We can value the relationships that we have with others and not have to worry about making them something more or something less that what they are.
Finally, as pastors, we can appreciate each of the deep friendships that we do have. We may have fewer friendships that allow for complete transparency. But, we are less likely to take these friendships for granted.
These friendships can become so significant and meaningful that the friendship can extend for a lifetime.
Every pastor needs a friendship with these qualities.
Let’s either look for this friendship or try to be this friend.
It has the potential to make all of the difference.
-sterling
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